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The rice in the pan was burning. Joan kept stirring it, zoning out into her thoughts. When Alex came home, he seemed off. He didn't go in for a kiss like he normally would, immediately retiring to the bathroom for a shower. Maybe it was a rough work day? That's probably what happened. They started dating at the start of his sophomore year of college, he was just entering the last semester of his junior year now. Being together for so long, Joan wished she could read him better. The smell of the rice burning finally hit her nose, and snapped her out of her thoughts.
"I guess we should just get take out." She announced to the kitchen.
"You burnt the rice?" It was less of a question than it was a statement.
Joan sheepishly turned to him, taking him in. Alex's hair, still damp from the shower was getting long.
'I should talk him into a haircut soon, but he's been so busy.'
"Haha, it would seem that way. What do you want for takeout? My treat."
"Don't worry about dinner." His eyes turned away from her as he spoke, "Hey, uh, let's talk."
Joan's heart jumped into her throat, words lost to her. She managed a small nod as she moved to the kitchen table with him. His face had a dark expression, no sign of mirth in his eyes, lips drawn in a straight line. Whatever was going on, it was serious. Her fingers began tracing the wood grain of the table, waiting for him to begin talking. The silence hung heavy in the room when he began talking, startling her out of her daze for the second time tonight.
"I've been thinking," He started, "about us, our relationship. Our future."
Joan stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue his train of thought. He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the topic at hand.
"You've got this great thing going with your blog. What do they call it, micro-influencer? It's super great. And I'm entering my last few semesters here. After I graduate, I mean there isn't much industry for my degree in this city."
Joan wasn't exactly sure where this conversation was going. They'd talked all about their plans after he graduated already. Finding internships in other cities, moving in together, all the steps it would take. The past conversations though, were filled with optimism, excited for their future together.
"You love this city, when your first moved here you said you've never been so comfortable in a new place. I guess it's just that I'd hate to take you away from a place you made your home. Do you understand what I mean?"
"Uh, no. I don't think I'm following."
He rubbed his face in his hands, "Well, people come into your life and it's amazing. You enjoy your time together so much that you loose track of everything else. When you begin to see those things again, you start to realize that... these moments together have to end eventually."
"Oh," Oh "Alex, where is this coming from?"
"Joan you had to know that this wasn't sustainable, right? I mean if we moved you wouldn't be happy. I care about you so much and I couldn't do that to you."
"What about me? What about my feelings about this? You've never brought this up to me. I'd be fine! You'll finish college and I'll-"
"Follow me?" He cuts her off. "I know where my future is going, but I don't think you're sure about yours."
"Of course I know! Wherever we go, I'll take my blog- I'll adapt it to no matter where we end up. It would work out."
"Listen, this isn't coming out of nowhere. I've been feeling this way for a while. I've done a lot of thinking. I don't want to hurt you, but I know you can take it. It's how you are, you'll jump back."
"I can't change your mind?"
"No."
That one word. His resoluteness in his voice. Joan's chest began to tighten and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She abruptly rose to her feet, the chair scraping across the tile of the kitchen. The silence was back and she couldn't handle it.
"Okay, well let me grab my things and I'll head out. Good luck with school and everything." I guess.
"I'll help you," Joan nodded as he moved to collect the items around his house. The pieces of her that made her presence known in his apartment. Parts of their life together strewn around- a toothbrush, a mug, a spare set of clothes...
And then it was done. She sat in her car, her items thrown onto the passenger seat. He hardly walked her to the door on her way out. The drive home was quiet, a blur of city lights and passing cars. The sun had already set and the tears in her eyes blurred the road ahead of her. Joan didn't register when she made it home. The car door shut behind her miscellaneous possessions forgotten on the seat. Her phone flashed a message from Alex asking if she had made it home safe. Of course I did, what do you care? Powering her phone off she made her way inside to fall asleep, alone for the first time in a while. It was all over.
The alarm blared in Joan's ear. Her eyes were raw and puffy from crying last night. When did she fall asleep? The sun was casting light across her bedroom, it was pretty but what was the point? It was mutual. It was a mutual breakup. That was the only way she could figure out to accept it. Obviously it wouldn't have worked out long term, right? Her heart ached. This was how it had to be, she reminded herself. His degree was stressful enough as it is, that and balancing work when would he have time for a girlfriend.
"It wasn't sustainable," She muttered, "The moments had to end."
Joan moved to shut the curtains and threw herself back into bed, a few more hours of sleep wouldn't hurt. She'd feel better when she woke up.
"I guess we should just get take out." She announced to the kitchen.
"You burnt the rice?" It was less of a question than it was a statement.
Joan sheepishly turned to him, taking him in. Alex's hair, still damp from the shower was getting long.
'I should talk him into a haircut soon, but he's been so busy.'
"Haha, it would seem that way. What do you want for takeout? My treat."
"Don't worry about dinner." His eyes turned away from her as he spoke, "Hey, uh, let's talk."
Joan's heart jumped into her throat, words lost to her. She managed a small nod as she moved to the kitchen table with him. His face had a dark expression, no sign of mirth in his eyes, lips drawn in a straight line. Whatever was going on, it was serious. Her fingers began tracing the wood grain of the table, waiting for him to begin talking. The silence hung heavy in the room when he began talking, startling her out of her daze for the second time tonight.
"I've been thinking," He started, "about us, our relationship. Our future."
Joan stayed quiet, waiting for him to continue his train of thought. He cleared his throat, obviously uncomfortable with the topic at hand.
"You've got this great thing going with your blog. What do they call it, micro-influencer? It's super great. And I'm entering my last few semesters here. After I graduate, I mean there isn't much industry for my degree in this city."
Joan wasn't exactly sure where this conversation was going. They'd talked all about their plans after he graduated already. Finding internships in other cities, moving in together, all the steps it would take. The past conversations though, were filled with optimism, excited for their future together.
"You love this city, when your first moved here you said you've never been so comfortable in a new place. I guess it's just that I'd hate to take you away from a place you made your home. Do you understand what I mean?"
"Uh, no. I don't think I'm following."
He rubbed his face in his hands, "Well, people come into your life and it's amazing. You enjoy your time together so much that you loose track of everything else. When you begin to see those things again, you start to realize that... these moments together have to end eventually."
"Oh," Oh "Alex, where is this coming from?"
"Joan you had to know that this wasn't sustainable, right? I mean if we moved you wouldn't be happy. I care about you so much and I couldn't do that to you."
"What about me? What about my feelings about this? You've never brought this up to me. I'd be fine! You'll finish college and I'll-"
"Follow me?" He cuts her off. "I know where my future is going, but I don't think you're sure about yours."
"Of course I know! Wherever we go, I'll take my blog- I'll adapt it to no matter where we end up. It would work out."
"Listen, this isn't coming out of nowhere. I've been feeling this way for a while. I've done a lot of thinking. I don't want to hurt you, but I know you can take it. It's how you are, you'll jump back."
"I can't change your mind?"
"No."
That one word. His resoluteness in his voice. Joan's chest began to tighten and tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She abruptly rose to her feet, the chair scraping across the tile of the kitchen. The silence was back and she couldn't handle it.
"Okay, well let me grab my things and I'll head out. Good luck with school and everything." I guess.
"I'll help you," Joan nodded as he moved to collect the items around his house. The pieces of her that made her presence known in his apartment. Parts of their life together strewn around- a toothbrush, a mug, a spare set of clothes...
And then it was done. She sat in her car, her items thrown onto the passenger seat. He hardly walked her to the door on her way out. The drive home was quiet, a blur of city lights and passing cars. The sun had already set and the tears in her eyes blurred the road ahead of her. Joan didn't register when she made it home. The car door shut behind her miscellaneous possessions forgotten on the seat. Her phone flashed a message from Alex asking if she had made it home safe. Of course I did, what do you care? Powering her phone off she made her way inside to fall asleep, alone for the first time in a while. It was all over.
The alarm blared in Joan's ear. Her eyes were raw and puffy from crying last night. When did she fall asleep? The sun was casting light across her bedroom, it was pretty but what was the point? It was mutual. It was a mutual breakup. That was the only way she could figure out to accept it. Obviously it wouldn't have worked out long term, right? Her heart ached. This was how it had to be, she reminded herself. His degree was stressful enough as it is, that and balancing work when would he have time for a girlfriend.
"It wasn't sustainable," She muttered, "The moments had to end."
Joan moved to shut the curtains and threw herself back into bed, a few more hours of sleep wouldn't hurt. She'd feel better when she woke up.